Le Douche Obligatoire

Words cannot describe what I have endured today, but we'll get to that later. Trust me, they could probably make a movie just based on my experience today.

First, I'll tell you a bit about yesterday, my first full day with the kids. It was much easier than I expected, I was actually awarded a nap at around 12 o'clock from the Marine's full time caretaker. She is amazing, she speaks only French and runs this house like a corporation. She had everything together, so I took a quick nap, got up read some of Julia Child's "My Life in France" and layed low. I later did English lessons with Ines asking her to spell words, like "cat, cloak, they, boat..." it was quite tricky as she constantly confused "phone" with "fone" or even "thone" - she says all of those sound the same and confuse her. I have never been so phonetic in my annunciation. "Ines, spell 'cat'....CCC-AHHHH-TTT" or 'cloak'...."CC-LeLe-OOOW-K". I was so tired of my voice I couldn't stand it. Then it was Elliot's turn, who only has to write out the letters of the alphabet. "Elliot, yellow...Y-Y-Yellow, what does it start with?" and in return I get, "Awww mais non! Je ne pas comprends. Je deteste l'anglias," mixed with tears and thrashing in his seat. I always am ready to quit by the letter 'p' (which he constantly mistakes for 'q' but who can blame him).

I survived the first day and even managed to have them all bathed and fed, by the time Michele (the mom) got home. However, bath time did not come without its fair share of ridiculous antics, like constantly squirting me and the baby with the water gun, after continually asking them to stop. The baby was nailed in the face and there were tears...but that's as bad as it got. I imagined much, much worse.

Before I proceed, I need to introduce you by the new names I have bestowed upon the kids:

Ines "The Boss" - Like any female first born, she runs the show and I know all about that.

Eliott "The Tornado" - He NEVER stops and destroys everything within a 5ft radius

Marine "The Mouth" - She yells louder than any human baby I have come in contact with. This yelling is constant and I did not come up with this nickname, her parents did.

This moring Michele took me to the city center with all the kids. I bought a new cell phone and kept an eye on The Tornado. I was raining this morning and he had a pirate umbrella, with a handle like a sword. Everynow and then the Brave Little Tornado would duel with the monsters/cars parked on the side of the street or give a menacing grin to the passing villian/business man. Many times he was pointing the umbrella, threatening someone's life while running in traffic...he is hilarious.

Here's where it gets good....and I mean terrible for me, great for an audience. Today was, pool day. I didn't even know it was an option to have a pool day in France. Well, I have been under the weather and when Michele asked me to go with them, I just explained that I would love to go, if possible not swim. She said of course, that I'd probably be sitting on the side watching "The Mouth" anyway. A wave of relief washes over me and I am in the car, bathing suit-less and ready to lifeguard. After a 15 minute ride, we meet Michele's cousin and her son at the pool. We go to walk in and Michele has passes for herself and the three kids. My own personal hell breaks loose, when she goes to pay for me.

We are instructed that I am not allowed to enter to pool area without a swimsuit. I tell her, I don't mind waiting outside and just reading, but I know she needs my help by the pool. I ask if there is some sort of a store inside, where I can just buy a swimsuit...and that's when the UNTHINKABLE happens. The lady behind the desk points to a vending maching, yes, like a vending machine that dispenses snacks. Behind the plexiglass window, I see goggles, swim caps, ear plugs and then staring back at me was a disposable women's one piece bathing suit. I had to take a step back and gather my thoughts, was this possible? Had Europe done the unthinkable and created a vending machine for something as mundane as swimwear!? In fact, they have and they enforce it. So 8 Euros later I am the reluctant owner of a disposable women's one piece bathing suit. We are talking a suit so terrible, it could have been any swim team members suit from 1987. I think I just entered Dante's Inferno and am in the 7th circle of hell. Kids screaming, french people kissing and the disposable bathing suit...OH.MON.DIEU.

So I go to change and pull it out of it's neatly packed plastic package, there it is a one piece disposable swimsuit with no lining and did I mention it is one size fits all? I put it on and slide my arms through the arm holes, and the whole bathing suit moves, but for some reason my hips feel rather exposed. I shudder and look down, coming to the conclusion that this suit was made in the 80's because it is cut to where the leg holes come up to the hips (think Kelly Kapowski on Saved By The Bell, when she was a lifeguard...or Jessie Spano, as with Miley Cyrus, I have been told I look like her). So before I can process anything else I throw all of my clothes back on to walk to the pool. Then I take 5 steps out of the changing room and I am told by Michele that you cannot wear cover-ups to the pool. Here I am, vulnerable in my one-size fits all disposable bathing suit and then I come across a sign, "Douche Obligatoire" - it's like one huge joke. First, I buy a bathing suit from a vending maching, then it's cut from an 80s sample, I can't wear a cover-up and now they are telling me I have to take a shower before I even go in the pool? I refused and just walked out. I found my seat and endured the humiliation of what I was exposing people to...I felt so vulnerable, "There's that girl in the vending machine bathing suit, must be American." I just had to laugh about it.

The afternoon went pretty well after that, The Boss ran the show with The Tornado and the cousin. The tornado bravely donned his floaties, swim cap and goggles, taking to the pool like a fish. The Boss made up the games they would play and dictated the rules, as I would expect her too. There was also a man/wolf in the pool. I have family that is extremely hairy, in fact the McKay family is known to only have one eyebrow, but this man, took it to a whole new level. I think water was instantly repelling off of him in the pool. BONUS: pool rules dictate that men mustwear speedos or those tight thigh short swim suits, NO SWIM TRUNKS. So here was Wolfman, bearing it all for the entire pool to see in his petite speedo. If I have learned anything today, it's that I will hopefully never have to experience the French public pool again, that was beyond excruciting, but hey I still have the bathing suit.